Monday Night Funnies

Nicola sent me these.

  • Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
  • A day without sunshine is like, night.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  • Remember, half the people you know are below average.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  • Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
  • If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
  • How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…
  • OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
  • How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened

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